monday, the fourteenth of may, two thousand one
I told my secretary I would probably be late this morning.
She asked, "What does that mean for you?" Since my normal arrival time
would be considered 'late' to everyone else,
I told her around 11. I didn't set my alarm when I went to bed last
night (I didn't get
home until 11:30, and like I going to sleep without knowing
what happened on TXF?) but I woke up at 7:30 anyway. And just
how motivated do you think I am to get to work before 11?
Right. So I'll write a little instead. About my weekend. Which was everything
I expected, and much that I didn't.
I walked in my house around 8:00 Friday night. My parents were at
the theater, but my grandmother was there. She lives about two hours
from my parents and they had brought her down to spend the weekend
with us. So we had a nice visit for an hour or so, then I went up and
took a shower, and returned downstairs with my book to await my parents.
Finally, just after 11, they walked in the door. My mother looked momentarily confused
when she saw me in the living room, as something was certainly out
of place. Then there was much laughing and crying and hugging.
Mission accomplished. She was surprised.
She came upstairs while I was getting ready on Saturday morning, confessing
that if she had known I was coming, she would never have suggested
getting my grandmother for the weekend.
Sounds cold, but it was true for both of us. If there was a way we could
have gotten rid of my father for the weekend too, it would have suited
us just fine. We prefer each other's company over almost everyone
else's. I laugh as much with her as I do with my silliest friends.
My father is jealous of this, but there really isn't anything I can
do about it. He gets upset because my mother and I talk on the phone
for an hour and then he'll get on the line and I don't have anything
to say to him. It's just the way it is. We're girls, my mother and
I. Our bond is going to be stronger no matter what.
So we stayed in the bathroom much longer than we needed to. I demonstrated
the use of all my new MAC products, and we tried some of them out on
her. Then she sat on the lid to the stool and I sat on the floor (it's
carpeted) and we talked some more.
My father ended up going to play golf -- nothing,
except maybe a funeral, but certainly not the presence of both his mother
and his daughter, will keep him off the golf course when the weather
is decent. So the three of us women sat on the
screened-in porch with our books and
conversed occasionally and read occasionally and my mother and I snuck
off to the store at one point, again taking way longer than we needed to.
Then my father came back and we spent the next eight hours playing
cards, with a slight interruption for dinner. First was a round of
Hand & Foot, which is a variation on canasta. Then I taught them all
how to play euchre, and there was a couple rounds of that. Then there
was Tick, a rummy-type game. And then it was 11:00 and we all went
to bed.
Before church Sunday, my father announced that he wasn't going
to take my grandmother home until after my plane
left, which wasn't until 6:30 that evening.
So I told
my father over brunch that my mother and I were going shopping for the
afternoon,
because I needed to spend some time with just my
mother, probably leading him to think that I had some girl thing I
actually needed to talk to her about, and it was fine with me if that
was the impression I gave.
I don't know why I was so desperate for alone time with my mother.
I just was. She had been telling me how homesick she had been for
me lately, and I was missing her as well, and somehow I knew
we just needed to be
together with no one else around.
So after we got home from our lovely brunch at the Hershey Lodge,
we changed our clothes and snuck out. First
to Bed Bath and Beyond, so I could show her the sheets she had already
offered to buy me, when I was in the BBBY in Kansas City, on the phone
with her, looking for a particular kind of curtain she wanted.
We spent almost 45 minutes in that store, and the
only thing she bought was an OXO scrubbie (after I extolled the virtues
of this particular kitchen tool, namely that because the sponge part
twists on, it will not pop off like the rectangular ones do
when you're using it to shove crap down the garbage disposal) and
a tile and grout brush that she decided would make a good lint remover.
(Seriously. She had gotten napkin fuzzies on her dress at brunch that
wouldn't come off, so she's brushing my shirt with this grout brush
when a BBBY clerk wandered by and decided to test our theory on her
apron, and it worked beautifully.)
Then we went next door to Border's in search of a cookbook she had
already and wanted to get for me. It's the Better Homes & Gardens
New Dieter's Cookbook, and it's fabulous. One recipe per page with
a nice big picture (invaluable for those of us who believe defrosting
something in the microwave counts as 'cooking') and all the pertinent
nutritional information. The recipes are simple and look very tasty.
But, they didn't have it. We looked at magazines for a while, then
I decided I was craving an Italian soda, and my mother had never had
one before, so we went in to the café and sat down. And stayed there
for over an hour, not just chatting, but bonding.
I told her about France.
We had seen a print in BBBY, a collage of
French things -- a ticket stub for the métro, an old picture
of the Louvre, a letter with the stamp cancelled -- and while we
were looking at it, my mother said, "You really need to go there."
So I told her, the whole plan. That I was already saving, planning to
go next spring, working it around my career timeline. She seemed
excited for me, even the part about going by myself, which I thought
might freak her out a little.
We talked about her and my father, and how she's dealing
with his ever-increasing case of Grouchy Old Man.
We talked about my brother and his girlfriend, about whether they
would get married. We talked about my friends who were getting married
this summer, Elise and her fiancé who is more than a few but less
than many years older than her, and then about a woman at The Firm who
was my age and married someone who was 50.
And she said, "You know, I really think that's how it's going to be for
you. It'll be someone older, and you'll get to know him, and you'll just
know, and you'll probably get married pretty quickly."
And I almost cried with relief.
I had actually already had a conversation like this one with my friend
Laura in L.A. She's 31, and she said she always thought she would marry
someone older, and we discussed how it was more likely that the men we
married would have been married before, and if we wait much longer,
they'll have kids as well.
But hearing it from my mother was different. I wanted
to cry, right there in the bookstore café, because I knew she
hadn't given up on me, and suddenly I didn't want to give up on me
either. And she told me it was okay if I didn't want to have kids,
because your life can be just as full without them, and that made
me want to cry too, because even though I have always seen myself
as a mother, I've been starting to wonder if that is really the role
for me.
Finally, we headed home. As we pulled into the garage, she said,
"This afternoon, this was worth the whole weekend." And then we
hugged, and then I did cry.
And I've thought about what she said the whole way home last night,
and I really think she might be right.
There aren't going to be fireworks for me, I don't think. There
won't be parades and fanfare and bunting. There won't be high drama,
psychoanalyzing of conversations, late nights with friends saying
"What do you think he meant when he
said (blank)?"
I will just meet someone. Someone who
has been around the block a few times,
someone who is a little bit tired and a little bit wary. He will be
smart, and he will be kind, and he
will like movies and coffee and bookstores and beaches and dogs,
and that will be enough. The ground won't shake and the stars
won't
shoot and sonnets won't be written.
It will be peaceful, quiet, gentle, simple, true. And it won't
take us long to figure out that it's right.
My mother gave me a gift on Mother's Day, instead of the other way
around.
She restored my faith. By reaffirming her faith in me, in
my future, she made me once again believe it could happen.
Just when I had lost all hope.
The sidebar has jetlag.